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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.