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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.