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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I saw that! - Karma
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.