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I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.