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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.