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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.