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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball