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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.