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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Haters are my motivators(:
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
There`s no WE in pizza.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.