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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.