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There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."