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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.