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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"