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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks