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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
I just threw up my weekend.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
It needs more cowbell!!
I dream about naps.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.