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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.