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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
My number was 0...
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!