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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.