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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal