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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.