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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Warning: I just get weirder.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?