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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
It`s no fun if you have permission.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.