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I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.