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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.