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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.