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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Plan B includes margaritas.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.