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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.