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"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Better late than pregnant.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss