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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
No pants are the best pants.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.