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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
My number was 0...