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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?
Technically, every picture is a before picture.