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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...