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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."