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Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk