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Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"