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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
So you think you can study with your facebook activated? That`s cute! ^.^
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.