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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
only fights if pillows are present.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.