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I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.