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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.