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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."