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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.