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Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.