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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
"Everybody freeze!" -December
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I am not as think as you drunk I am
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.