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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.