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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.