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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.