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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich