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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Been there, done that. allegedly
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........