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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
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snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I need more people like me in my life
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species