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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.