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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.