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And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.