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Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"