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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?