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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.