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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.