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Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.