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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Sweating is for people who do stuff.