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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.