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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.