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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.