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Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
If I had the money I`d hire 2 private investigators to follow each other
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
Life is fun! You should get one.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.