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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.