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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/