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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....