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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.