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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.