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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.