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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.