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Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.