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Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My pants are 75% off.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.