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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell