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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha Iām so sorry. No Iām not.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
If Iām ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around