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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.