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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.