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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box