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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
"May the 4th" be with you!
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial