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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.