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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"